|Love is in the air.|
( Linda Ronstadt and Rex Smith actually )
Poor wandering one.
Poor wandering one.
PIRATES OF PENZANCE
February 1960 or thereabouts.
Never at any time did one suggest to their partner that the sand hills were a great place to visit for the purpose of horizontal folk dancing. Many a young lady was invited to see the crashed helicopter, the buried treasure chest, to help find the golden rivet and was promised a look through the magic porthole. Just one dollar for every sprog conceived amongst the spinifex would keep one in drinking money for yonks. Even I became a great pretender, occasionally escorting members of the opposite sex to familiarise them with all the historical sandy sights of great significance. And what did I mostly end up with? Lots of sand in large quantities stuck in and on body parts that were to me areas of great historical significance.........ouch!!
I had to wait another 10 months to hit a home run after this caper though.
PIRATES AND HELICOPTERS
Her name I think was Margaret or maybe it was Barbara, all I know she was Dianne’s closest friend,
Dianne told me late one night while in the La Fiesta, that Marg or Barb lived close by and just around the bend.
She evidently noticed me in the shop and on the beach, she quickly came to feel she liked me lots,
Her feelings for me grew and grew and new heights they did reach and later on transformed into the hots
Twas Friday night and past eleven, it said so on the clock
Next door the movies were all over, the crowds began to flock
I was sitting in the La Fiesta, a coffee I'd just bought
When in came Di, not on her own, but with a real good sort
Whilst seated at another table Diane's mate was blushing
Di then came and sat by me and started my blood rushing
She told me things about her friend designed to titillate
She wanted Di to introduce us and didn't want to wait
Her good friend's name was Marg or Barb, my memory's so profane
She told Diane, if I was Tarzan, she'd love to be my Jane
The thought of that was quite amusing, my laughter made me wheeze
Marg and I both cuddling close, while swinging through the trees
With me explaining how to swing to keep things safe and fine
By telling her, "No! not with that, grab the bloody vine"
"Why don't you walk her home," Di asked with a sly wink and a smile,
“You can go the long way through the dunes, it’s all about a mile.”
Despite my inexperience I did not need no urgin’
My adrenalin was pumping although still a teenage virgin.
We set out from the coffee shop all starry eyed and shy,
Receiving lots of knowing looks from many passers by.
Her head was on my shoulder as we walked on holding hands
Drawing ever closer to the Spinifex and sands.
“Did you know,” I asked, “that pirates roamed these parts,
Hiding buried treasure and breaking female hearts?”
Her answer to my question caused a swelling in my pants
“You be Fred and I’ll be Mabel, the sandy hills Penzance.”
What pleased me most was not the fact she knew the operetta,
She made it clear while I was here, to do much more than pet her.
The story of the pirates chest had not flipped or flopped her
Nor golden rivets, magic portholes or that crashed helicopter
No Pirate King to guide me through, in case I was not able
I played the role of pirate Frederick and she his girlfriend Mabel
Side by side we settled down after all the play and prancing,
For a horizontal pas de deus that involved folksy dancing.
Sullivan and Gilbert would be spinning round and round
Whilst lying in their coffins buried in the ground
They must be wondering what had happened to Mabel and her Fred
Attempting to make love in sand, and not at home in bed
I was not too sure just what to do, or how to go about it
I didn't have a book with pics, so I went ahead without it
Determined I'd become to prove, I wasn't just a flop
Although my skills could be scratched on back, of a soft drink bottle top
Being highly independent, I tried it on my own
I thought I’d hit a bullseye and I waited for her groan.
I once was told enjoy your first and disregard your fears,
It doesn’t matter where it goes, just hope it disappears.
I asked her in a whisper, if things were properly put
She shook her head, then softly said, “You missed me by a foot”
The Spinifex around us, rustled and it shook,
The Phantom shadows were all there, keen to have a look.
What was happening in her mind, would have to stay untold
But horizontal dancing was sadly put on hold.
She led the way all down the slope and off into the surf,
Her naked beauty lit by moonlight made it all the worth.
My one night stand had been destroyed by prying pervert eyes
But a skinny dip with Marg or Barb kept things on the rise.